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| life is funny you know? one minute you're up, the next you're down. it's always good to remember that the night is darkest just before the dawn. times are sometimes tough, but I'm glad that they never wear me down completely. I've gone through some really vast changes, and have done a lot of growing up. My perspective on life has changed for the better, and I'm happier because of it. The thing is, life is shitty, period. But it's what you do about it that really counts. Nobody picks the hands that they're dealt, it's what you do with that hand that counts. Even though I'm financially having trouble keeping my head above water, I know that things will soon get better. I'm hopeful for the future, and look forward to new things that are to come about.
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| a month has passed by and i still feel like i'm trying to get a grip. it's like for a while i was holding onto this rope, letting off slack as was needed. but now the rope going on its own, and i'm wearing no gloves and can't stop it.
money is such a terrible thing. like, literally the antichrist. it changes everything. even people.
i look back at a time when i was skinnier and had tons of discipline. where did that all go?
i'm falling apart
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| I don't think I can stoop any lower. Let's go through some of my fallacies, shall we?
-My "home life" is virtually non existent. I haven't spoken to my father since March. I hate him and he is an asshole.
-My school life is beyond pathetic. I'm to the point where I'm ready to drop two classes...out of three total.
-I am in denial of several harmful addictions that are taking a large tole on my life.
I skipped school Tuesday because my new cat kept me up at all hours of the night. So instead of being a responsible student, I skipped to sleep in. Lo and behold, a test was to happen today. One in which I walked in completely unprepared for, without a calculator or anything. Great. Now that I have failed 2, count em, 2, tests in Algebra, a subject that is seemingly "easy" for me, I now have the option of either continuing the course, and maybe if I'm lucky, walk out with a C average, or, dropping the course and taking it again. Both decisions are equally loathsome.
English is the same way. I'm behind on work, I know I am, but yet I do nothing about it. Instead I'd rather spend time doing non productive things such as drugs, which not only rob me of time and money, but my overall well being as a human.
Then there's the drugs. I like to tell myself that I'm not addicted, only that I like to have a good time every now and then...no. Even when I say no to myself, I end up doing it. You are the company you keep, and my company is going nowhere.
And finally, the one that takes it all, my (not)home life. My father and I have always fought. The last two years at their place only brought more and more fighting, only the fights were longer, stupider, and more fierce. I don't get it. The way my father does things, the things he says, and the ways he goes about things are so completely wrong and stupid, but he can't see it, and does absolutely nothing to change it. I hate him for that. Even though he is completely wrong in his doings, he still does nothing about it.
As I'm writing this, it is all too clear to me that the apple does not fall far from the tree. Here I am blogging about how fucked up I am, and how big of a complete fuck up I am, and it occurs to me, you're becoming like him, like it or not.
Somebody give me a bottle of scotch and hand gun please...
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| i'm serious. It's wednesday, and I feel like it was just Friday. Where did the weekend go? I swear when you work or have school back to back days, your time will soon disappear. Jeez my birthday is on monday. Twenty years old I'll be. I have to write a 3 to 5 pager today...fuck
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| That makes me do what I do?
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